"I yam what I yam and thats all what I yam." Popeye, the Sailor man
September 11, 2014
For as long as I can remember I wanted to be somewhere else, have something else, be someone else. Someone else’s body, job, house, clothes, school, car etc, etc, etc. Anywhere but where I was in that given moment. I spent hours and hours looking forward to what I wanted to be or back at what I use to have sometimes with longing and others with regret. And when I wasn't looking back or forward I was diving into someone else’s fantasy, drama or story. I was never ok with where I was now, who I was now, and so I damned myself to bare witness to someones else’s pursuit of "else", too much wine to numb my awareness of the lack of the "else", make another trip to buy things I didn’t need or want, start another argument, eat some more fried chicken and chase it with a cookie, or do the opposite and exercise until I could hardly remember my name to turn myself into the “else", work at places I hated to make money to buy myself the “else”. All in an effort to be else, to be other than where or who I am.
About 3 year ago I decided to take a journey. A journey to love how I am right now as I am. I am in a practice of loving all aspects of my being from what’s on the outside to who and how I am on the inside now, today. No assessment of what I need to change or diatribe about why I am as I am just complete and utter acceptance, love and appreciation for every quirk, roll, bulge, tick, habit, sound, bloat, ache, irritation and jiggle. I devote myself to being patient, kind, considerate and tender with me. And above all compassionate. I engage in conversations and explorations of my thoughts and meet them with curiosity and wonder not judgement and expectation. I dedicate time to sit and be in peaceful silence or moving meditation or loving communion with my loved ones. Through this process I have learned I can teach and share my love of yoga NOW, I can swing from a trapeze NOW, I can wear a bikini in front of strangers on the beach NOW, I can speak my mind, I can advocate for myself, NOW. There is nothing or no one I have to wait for, there is no size I need to be or job I need to have. Through this process I have learned I AM ENOUGH! So now I enjoy the TV shows that make me feel uplifted, informed and expansive, I enjoy the subtle flavors of wines around the world in my mouth and not the cloudiness of my mind, in all that I do I simply ask myself does this serve? In all that I do, I take a moment to take a breath, become aware of how I feel in my body and then make a choice. My choices have led me to a new career that ignites my spirit, an appreciation for this body that walks, runs, dances and leaps. This body that has delivered 3 children and watched them take their first breaths. This body that held my father in his final hours as he took his last. I am blessed to experience this journey in this body each every moment. For that I am grateful for this body right now. For that I know there is no one else I need to become, nowhere I need to be because here I am ....right here right now.